Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
