Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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