yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
