the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It's never too late to be topless.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
