i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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