I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
