Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize