You can't motorboat a personality
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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