I have demons in me.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
