I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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