You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
