So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize