Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
