highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
