You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
