I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
