Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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