there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
