A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Randomize
