The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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