My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
