What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
you made out with another girl for some wings
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
