I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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