hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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