getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
