3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
The best revenge is premature balding
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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