my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
