Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
