So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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