You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
