After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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