All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
