i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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