I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
