____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
