I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
