Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
