How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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