Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
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