so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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