He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
