How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize