I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
