Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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