While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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