If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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