Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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