hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
