is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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