i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
