I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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