it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Someone shattered a urinal.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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