my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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