so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize