I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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