mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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