Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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