and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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