she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
